I Am

I am a C
I am a C-H
I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N

HA I bet some of you sang that.

Well, I am but unfortunately most wouldn’t know it by my actions over the last 6 or 7 years. I didn’t realize it until just a few months ago, but I let a lot of things get to me. They just piled on top of me, one after another. It was affecting my marriage, my physical health and my spiritual life. I had convinced myself, that I was still as close to God as I always had been, but I had walked away from Him. I held everything that had happened over that time, against Him. I had felt distant but see how it was me causing a lot of the issues. I stopped talking to my husband about anything important. I continued speaking to God, well, if you can call screaming “talking.” I blamed my Heavenly Father for everything His children had done to me over the years. I blamed Him for me not being able to hear Him. I just knew He walked away (even though His Word states that He will never leave us or forsake us).

Then one day I started feeling a tug in my heart, and memories of the past came flooding. Memories of the days I was closest to Him. Days that my husband was so in tune with God, that he was almost illuminating His Light. Memories of Mott Auditorium and the pastors that prayed over us each time we were there. God knew I’d recognize His voice if He spoke about those things. He knew it would draw me back to Him.

I’m a tough nut to crack. I’m stubborn and sometimes slow to catch onto things, but when I do … when I finally give in, God moves and quickly. Under the bricks, mortar, titanium shell, my heart melts for God. I want nothing more than to live my life according to His ways.

It grieves my spirit to be at odds with God. Anyone, really but God is most important in my life. I find that 9 out of 10 times, if I’m at odds with God or things are falling apart in my life, it’s because I am somehow, somewhere out of line with God’s plans for me. The scripture that comes to mind is: Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Such deep truth. Deeper than we’ll go in this post, but eventually we’ll get back around to it.

Life is an ever changing event if we let it happen the way it’s supposed to. I’ve always said (and believed) that life (physical or spiritual) doesn’t change without growth. In order to grow, I need to know where I am wrong. I don’t want to be one to argue a point with anyone. I used to be one who always welcomed instruction and correction, simply because I know growth is impossible without them.

I am … loved, thankful, blessed, highly favored, forgiven and set free.